Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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