So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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