she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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