I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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