i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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