If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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