I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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