Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
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he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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