stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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