I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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