you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
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Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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