hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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