my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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