i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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