i wish my penis had a tongue
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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