And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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