I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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