just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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