You're earring is so big in my mouth
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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