Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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