I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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