I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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