break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
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Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
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My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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