Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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