Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize