I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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