Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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