I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
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apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize