I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my being single is dangerous.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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