I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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