Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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