I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
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"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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