Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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