chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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