Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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