she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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