saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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