I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize