Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
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since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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