So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
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I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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