this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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