I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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