so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
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Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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