does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
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As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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