is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize