Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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