If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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