so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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