rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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