The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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